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The title is a bit too blunt, I think. Something more subtle would allow the reader to piece together the information on his own, which creates a better experience, in my opinion. A blunt title should increase impact, but in this case it actually lessens it.

The narrative is pretty much flawless, well done. Pacing is specially good, which is rare in short stories since it's so subtle.

I like the way you approach the issue, the vibe of numbness your word selection transmits fits the overall theme really well. You managed a good balance between using adjectives and not using them. The reader gets enough information to get a clear picture, but still gets room for imagination and speculation.

One thing I did not like is your use of tenses. It's all over the place. Sometimes you use present, sometimes you use past. It's confusing and inconsistent. You should stick to one tense, in my humble opinion.

I like how you use italics to distinguish between different time frames, but this also makes the issue about tenses more obvious.

Overall, I like it, but it could be even better.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 8 deviants thought this was fair.


laurotica Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013   Writer
I do thank you for your critique! On pieces like this this, I always appreciate a well-thought out opinion because I would like to improve it. I will fix the tenses, something I did on purpose but was looking to see if it gauged a reaction, positive or negative.

I do have to leave the title, however. Simply creative license.

Thank you again, it really does mean something when someone takes the time to critique my work :)
trueshinken Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It was a pleasure doing it ^^
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